Helping Clients Address Household Inequities in the Therapy Room

As clinicians and therapists, you witness firsthand the complexities of modern relationships. The invisible labor of household management often underpins significant stress for couples. Below, author of Fair Play Eve Rodsky shares strategies for rebalancing the division of labor with transformative tools for couples and individuals.

Understanding the Mental Load

The mental load is the cognitive and emotional labor involved in household management and caregiving. It includes not just tasks but the anticipation, planning, and execution of those tasks. Research shows that while men often believe they contribute equally, women typically carry two-thirds of this labor. This imbalance can erode trust, satisfaction, and mental health, especially in dual-earner households.

6 Ways to Help Clients Address the Invisible Labor

1. Recognize the "Both Trap"
Couples frequently fall into the "both trap," where they claim shared responsibility for tasks but experience dissatisfaction due to unclear expectations. Rodsky’s concept of breaking down tasks into Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE) phases helps clarify roles. Encourage clients to identify who truly owns each phase to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.

2. Build Empathy and Trust
As a therapist, it’s crucial to create a safe space where both partners feel seen and heard. This involves:

• Exploring each partner’s family of origin and cultural expectations.
• Addressing past grievances that may obstruct progress.
• Highlighting the systemic nature of the issue to avoid blame.

3. Introduce Structured Decision-Making Tools
Fair Play’s card system offers a tangible method for addressing household inequities. The cards represent 100 possible responsibilities, such as grocery shopping or child’s extracurricular activities. Couples discuss, divide, and fully own these tasks from conception through execution. Use this tool to foster intentional conversations about values and priorities.

4. Normalize Vulnerability and Grief
Acknowledging inequities can bring up grief for lost time, missed opportunities, and entrenched dynamics. Encourage clients to validate these emotions and view them as a step toward healing and growth.

5. Focus on "Minimum Standards of Care"
Often, conflicts arise from differing standards for task completion. Use Fair Play’s framework to help couples establish a "minimum standard of care," ensuring both partners feel valued while avoiding micromanagement.

6. Model Positive Change
For clinicians who are also navigating these dynamics in their own relationships, it’s essential to model self-awareness and growth. Personal experiences can deepen empathy and understanding when working with clients.

As therapists, you have the unique ability to transform lives by helping couples navigate the intricacies of household dynamics. Implementing tools like the Fair Play method empowers clients to foster communication, build empathy, and reestablish trust. By addressing the underlying inequities in household labor, you not only strengthen relationships but also contribute to a broader cultural shift toward fairness and equality.